I was just reminded today of an event when I first started dating my wife that is a good example of the communication issues that can happen between neurotypicals and people on the spectrum.
We were standing in line at the Walmart in Lake Hallie, Wisconsin. In the line to the left of us, there was a child standing there, looked to be maybe seven years old or so. What drew my attention was that he appeared to have abnormally sized head in proportion to his body.
I looked over at him and made the statement, “Wow, you have a big head!” And gave him a smile. My limited memory says that he smiled back but didn’t say anything, but my memory has been infamously bad, so I could be wrong about that.
Regardless, after we left the Walmart, my wife turns to me and says something like, “Why did you say that??? The kid’s probably going to have a complex now!”
I was surprised and shocked. I explained to her that my statement was not meant to be negatively judgemental but rather a statement about my perception of the size of his head compared to that of his body. A simple transmission of data. Nothing more than that.
I didn’t consider that he might take it in a bad way. In fact, if anything, if I heard such a statement directed at me, I’d be happy to hear it, because I value intelligence, and a larger head usually signifies a larger brain, which usually leads to higher intelligence.
This points towards what I perceive to be a primary cause of conflict between people on the spectrum, and nerotypicals. It is said that people on the spectrum “have no filter”, meaning that they just naturally say what’s on their mind without stopping to consider… well, anything. And that’s absolutely true, at least for me. Or at least it was before I was diagnosed and started learning about the differences between me and neurotypicals.
It is said that the first step in solving a problem is recognizing that a problem exists. Well, I do recognize this as a problem, but not necessarily a problem that is the “fault” of the person on the spectrum. Just as in my example above… I had just made a statement. I noted something that I found extraordinary, and communicated it. That’s it. There was no malice or ill will intended in the statement.
And yet.
And yet, apparently, some neurotypicals take offense to statements such as that. In my opinion, that’s entirely on them. If they were offended by such a statement, then that comes from within them, for whatever reason they are offended. It doesn’t come from me. So, if anything, the “fault” lies with them. If a person is offended, rather than immediately getting upset, they should consider that perhaps the other person meant no malice in the statement, and instead consider other reasons or motives for such a statement being made.
Nerotypicals appear to exist in a world of horrors, if I may be frank, where everyone is out to get them. A world where every glance, every statement, has some sinister or malicious unspoken meaning or intent behind it. And you must PROVE to others that such intent doesn’t exist in the same breath as the statements or nonverbals you make, lest you yourself be considered the villain. Neurotypicals appear to exist in some sort of “cloak and dagger” world where people hide their true intentions, or intend malice with their words half the time, and you have to try to guess when that is.
A world of lies and deceit.
To me, this sounds like a TERRIFYING and exhausting world and headspace to live in.
The autistic person doesn’t naturally live in such a world. We live in a world of facts and data. Where there are no emotional, positive, or negative connotations inherent in any transmission of data. It is what it is. If you want to determine any motive or meaning beyond what is obvious or apparent, you must ask probing questions. You must collect more data, rather than assume anything.
Nothing is secret, nothing is hidden, and nothing is veiled. Everything is open, above board. An autistic world would be one in which everyone is given the benefit of the doubt, and no negative connotations are assumed or implied. A world where when someone is angry with you or upset with you, you won’t have to guess, you’ll know, because they’ll just tell you. There are no veiled or hidden meanings, there’s just MEANING.
A world of honesty.
I’ve spent 44 years having to exist in the world of the neurotypicals. I’ve mostly learned how to stop myself from saying every little thing that pops into my head. I’m high enough functioning that I can “pass” most of the time, but sometimes I slip up and make mistakes. Then I spend whatever time and effort is necessary in order to try to clear things up when someone has taken what I’ve said the wrong way. And I try to learn, and I try to get better.
Every day, I TRY. It’s all I can do.
BUT…
Wouldn’t it be better if I didn’t have to try? Wouldn’t it be better if we all gave each other the benefit of the doubt and DIDN’T assume the worst in our fellow man from the start? Where everyone can be open, and honest with each other, and if someone doesn’t like what you are doing or saying, they can just tell you it plainly, so that there’s no guesswork involved?
That would be something, wouldn’t it?
Oh well, back to the neurotypical world for me. It’s probably the only minority I’m a member of. I am privileged in that, at least.